Donna Arthur Downs is an associate professor and co-chair of the Media Communication department at Taylor University. She has been full-time teaching various writing, public relations and media courses since 2001 and advises the award-winning student newspaper, The Echo. She is the mother of two faithful sons and the grandmother of two remarkable grandchildren. Downs graduated with an Ed.D from Ball State University.
You old, Grandma?
Friday night as I
lay beside my baby girl on the air mattress at the foot of the bed in
her little room upstairs, deep in thought, she began picking at my hair
with her thumb and index finger, pulling
it up, letting it go, pulling it up, letting it go strand by strand.
"Why you got gray hair, Grandma?" she innocently asked.
"Because I'm getting old," I said, teasingly.
Her little face grew quite serious.
"I don't want you to get old, Grandma. Then you will die, and I will miss you," she said in a sad, whimpering voice.
Taken aback, I said, "I'm not THAT old, Baby Girl!"
"But I
don't want you to get old, Grandma," she said. Forlorn, she put her
little arms around my neck. "I don't want you to die, Grandma," she said
again, pushing her face between my chin
and my shoulder, as if in her not wanting it, she was willing that it
might never happen.
I lay
there in silence for a few minutes, holding her and letting my tears
dampen the pillow. Regaining composure, and glad for low light, I said,
"We all have to die someday, Baby Girl.
Then we get to be with God in Heaven!"
"But I don't want you to be with God in Heaven; I will miss you!" she exclaimed.
"Well,
Grandma plans to be with you for a long, long time," I said. "We're
gonna run in the fields, swim in the pool, walk down to the creek and
throw rocks in it!"
Lying
there beside her, though, I realized that life isn't always what we
plan. Just Wednesday, a beloved 21-year-old young man died tragically
and unexpectedly. Just today I visited my 80-year-old
aunt dying from pancreatic cancer. So just now I'm realizing even more
the brevity of life.
And, yes, life isn't always what we plan.
I have
been blessed with an uncanny ability to envision myself no longer here.
Saddened at the thought of leaving those I love behind, I fully realize
that earthly life is a "skiff" (as my
father would say) in comparison to eternity...we're withering flowers,
fluffy seed hairs of milkweed tossed to the wind, autumn leaves covered
by snow, fading into the ground. Life is a second in a decade, a year in
an era, a century in eternity. It's short.
So very, very short.
And,
yes, we all age from the moment we're born. No choice in aging except to
die an untimely death. No choice but to watch the vision blur, the
hearing dull, the arthritis set in, the mind
forget. No choice but to know the heartbreak from haunting hurts, the
loneliness from lost loves, the wrenching despair from devastating
deaths.
But
those are realities of life well lived...for unless we are vulnerable
and open hearted, we build walls to block pain. Unless we know and
deeply understand others, we can't grasp the concept
of loneliness. Unless we love with the greatest of love, we can't
grieve in the depths of sorrow.
"You're as young as you feel," isn't necessarily the truth in regard to
physical pain. For although I am akin to pain, I am very much the
5-year-old who climbed the path to Grandma's house,
ever looking back to see if Mom was watching; the 12-year-old standing
on the sidelines at my first junior high school dance. I'm the girl who
swayed to "Color My World" in the arms of a good friend at my senior
prom; the college student from a town of 500
on a campus of 30,000. I am the young bride who married right out of
college; the 23-year-old who sat at her dying grandmother's side and
reassured her that she was "good enough" for God.
I am
the young mother who played guitar and sang "One Tin Soldier" to her
toddler sons; the teacher who watches her students walk across the
graduation stage year after year, wondering if
those to come will be half as good as those leaving; the friend who
strives to see and help meet others' needs.
We are
who we are because of those segments in our passing lives, because of
choices we've made along the way, because of people we've allowed to
grip our hearts. And though age brings pain
and heartache, it also brings overflowing love and joy. Age takes us a
step closer to God and gives us a pressing sense of squeezing a little
tighter, hugging a little longer, laughing a little more. It makes us
turn to say "I love you" one last time before
walking out the door.
Having
an aging body doesn't mean giving up or giving in. It simply means I
may move a little slower, think a little longer, grasp new concepts with
a little more difficulty. It means I realize
even more the importance of scooting a little closer to this 3-year-old
lying beside me, putting my arms around her and holding on like
nobody's business.
Saturday morning, I awoke with little fingers poking my cheek. "You old, Grandma?" her whispering voice asked.
"Not yet, Baby Girl," I responded, rubbing her nose with mine. "Not quite yet.”
~Donna Downs
